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Let's Vent....

Below you will find a number of recent articles and reports from Spleen Vent.These aren't so much digs as comical side-swipes in a mock tabloid style....

The Mummy Returns!!

London, Tuesday

It's official! The Mummy HAS returned!!
Onlookers were shocked at the Tory Party Conference today with the announcement that the Mummy had returned. She appeared briefly on stage with Tory party leader William Hague. (See picture, right)
Hague said, 'The Mummy has returned, and I, for one, am very happy to see her!' And Hague's partner, blonde page 3 lovely F. Fion, was also happy with the news, as our picture shows.
Spleen Vent managed to get an exclusive interview with the Mummy at Heathrow on her way home to her Temple in Karnak, Egypt.
SV: Mummy, exactly how long have you been away?
M: 3,500 years.
SV: And how does it feel to be back?
M: Great!
SV: How do you think the public will take to you this time around?
M: Who gives a toss about them? I'm only interested in free meals and a buss pass.
It is thought that The Mummy will be outlining plans for her own range of beauty products in the near future and will reveal how her skin has remained flawless after 3,500 years of eternal sleep. Any further sightings of The Mummy will, of course, be reported.

The Highway Cretin

This, quite obviously, is the sign for cattle from The Highway Code. And yet, in a staggering display of complete and utter halfwitedness, two thirds of the British population thought it was a warning sign for Foot & Mouth!!

The survey, conducted by the RAC on their 70th aniversary, shows the average intellect of the British populace plunging to depths hitherto unheard of. 5% of motorists thought the sign for sidewinds was a warning of 'kites flying overhead'!!!

Spleen Vent demands that the Government introduce an immediate ban on motorists who do not understand these most basic of road signs. Surely it will make the roads a much safer place if these idiots are removed from our midst. And leave the highways and biways nice and clear for the rest of us...

New Road Signs Announced...

In the light of recent findings about the stupidity of the UK population, the Department of Transport have decided to rename popular road signs.

A spokesman said; 'We pissed ourselves with laughter when we read some of the answers the public gave. Our decision has come about as a result of these findings. We thought we'd have a really good laugh and change them, using taxpayers money...'

The first road sign to be renamed, (seen here on the right), is a warning to all road users and pedestrians of 'stunt motorcyclists in the area'.

Mrs Janet Gubbins, 65, of Milford-on-Sea said; 'My husband always liked them, and I suppose I like them too. I think it would be a shame to see them disappear from our roads. Perhaps Tony Blair will introduce more of them, that would be nice.'

The Lady is a Lamp!

The world's first human lamp went on display today at Buckingham Palace.

The Queen was said to be impressed but somewhat bemused by the invention (see picture, right).

Fummi Okiyummi, 36, volunteered herself for the experiment last year. A combination of batteries and stem cell technology allow her head to glow.

Fummi said; 'It gets quite hot some times, but its such a buzz. It was great meeting the Queen.'She went on to say, 'I have to switch myself off at nights as I'm a magnet for flying insects.'

The attractive shade she is modelling is available from the Cack range of household furnishings at ASDA, priced 2.99.

Shrektastic! Danny comes clean on Hollywood role...

Spleen Vent can confirm that Danny Foster, the gentle giant from pop group HearSay, is the star of new Hollywood blockbuster Shrek.

The amazing announcement was made yesterday when rumours threatened to blow the stars cover.

Danny, 23, said he was glad the truth was in the open and that he was looking forward to reprising his role in a possible sequel to the hit movie.

A record company insider said, 'Danny is working extremely hard at the moment with HearSay and his contract runs until the end of August. He will then be free for the Shrek sequel until November.'

Fellow Popstar Myleen Klass had this to say. 'Danny is very hard working. It's tough because myself, Kym, Noel and Suzanne have to film all our routines and then the technicians superimpose Danny. As he's computer generated, they have to remove his green skin colour to make him look more human, and this is done using computer wizadry.'

Tight Arse!

Pop superstar Madonna has been branded a tight arse by Consumer watchdog Esther Rantzen.

The buck-toothed shoppers champion launched into her attack on the eve of the pop Grandmothers first tour of the UK in 50 years.

Esther said, 'Madonna is a big star with pots of cash. She's charging fans 500 quid a ticket and it's scandalous. I'm setting up a 24 hour freephone helpline for any victims of the Scrooge of Pop.'She went on to say that Madonna was tighter than a gnat's chuff. The BBC also stated it will be holding a live telethon special in the Autumn, to raise desperately needed cash for strapped fans of the cheapskate chart-topper.

Rantzen also suggested that Madonna be extradited to the European Court of Human Rights in the Hague for crimes against humanity.

It's Official! Big Brother's Amma is an Ant!

Big Brother's table dancing lesbian Amma has exclusively revealed to Spleen Vent that she is, in fact, an Ant!

The shock revelation came yesterday in an exclusive interview with the star.

Amma went on to reveal that her time in the house had been difficult and that she'd found it hard to conceal her true identity.

Following her boozy hot tub row with 54 year old market trader Stuart, Amma claimed she had tried to tunnel her way out of the house. 'It was hard as my mandibles are quite cleverly disguised. But I only managed a small hole beneath my bed.'

Amma went on to admit that an ant farm would have been more enjoyable than television's human zoo. The insectoid star said she couldn't wait to get back to table dancing. 'It's been a long time since I wrapped my thorax round a poll and I'm itching to do a bit of leaf cutting too.'

ET Visits UK! (with Cath & Mike in tow)

As SpleenVent's exclusive picture shows (below right), ET has arrived in the UK....and he's not alone! The pint-sized planet hopper has brought Hollywood royalty along with him in the form of Mike and Cath Douglas-Jones.
The arrival was shrouded in secrecy last night after a desperate last ditch attempt to get ET off American soil. Since his movie debut in 1983, ET has been locked into a string of high profile sponsorship deals for multi-nationals that should have netted him a fortune. UK TV viewers will remember ET's British Telecom adverts, a continuation of his mother Maureen Lipman's earlier efforts. But evil Hollywood moguls creamed off the profits, leaving ET penniless.
When an insider told Hollywood hardman Mike Douglas of ET's dilemma, the pint-sized puppet was liberated from the studio by wife Cath in an amazing dawn raid. Witnesses said the rescue was reminiscent of her movie Entrapment, involving Cath slithering her way around a grid of security lasers, in order to reach her galactic goal.

ET is now at an undisclosed location in South Wales, attempting to 'phone home' using 6 circuit boards, one Furby and some Babyliss hair tongs.

Maureen Lipman was unavailable for comment.

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